When Do I Get to Be Me Again

The past couple of days have been hard.  Still in a lot of pain and still very nauseous.  I think I slept my way through all of yesterday.  As a result, I missed spending time with my kids.  I hate that.  I'm ready to be me again.  Ready to be the boring suburban mother of two who lives in a little house in a little town and has an average job that's just enough to pay the bills.

How much longer will it be until I can be that person again?

Hysterectomy done-will it help my meniere's?

Well, maybe not complete.   I did get to keep my ovaries which relieves me for numerous reasons.  For one, I'm only 37 and I'm not ready for menopause and Hormone Replacement Therapy.  God only knows what that would do my Meniere's.  Which leads me to my second reason for doing it, I have to be on birth control due to severe cramping (think migraine level pain in your lower pelvis.)  For the past 18 months or so, I've been through countless pills trying to find one that doesn't cause migraines.  No luck.  I think that part of the reason I've had it so rough lately is due to this constant change in hormones.  I stopped taking the pill about 10 days ago and had one headache right after I quit them and haven't had one since.  My last reason is that at this point, I have met all my out-of-pocket expenses and this surgery is more or less free.  I'm out of work until the end of this month at least, so I figured why not get it over with. 

I was still considerably nervous about this surgery.  I've never had a body part removed before!  I wanted a sign that I was doing the right thing.  I am okay with not having more children.  As my husband said, we struck gold with the two we have.  Financially we can't afford another child either and with my Meniere's being so bad lately, it would be extremely difficult to take care of a newborn.  I just can't go through the sleepless nights and breastfeeding again.  I was able to keep my ovaries so hopefully now my body will go back to it's normal hormonal pattern.  I've been on birth control more or less since I was 18.  Obviously didn't take them so I could get pregnant and didn't take them while I breastfed each child which was about a year.  I was more concerned about the procedure itself and the risks involved.  I asked for a "sign" from whatever higher power is around us and I got it!  At 3:30 in the morning before my surgery, I woke up with severe cramping and nausea.  I was practically in tears before I was able to get the pain and nausea under control.

The recovery from this surgery was rough.  Worse than the ear surgery and way worse than the ovarian cyst removal.  I had two shots of demerol, two percocets and still couldn't get my pain down to a 4 on the pain scale.  I was also really nauseous.  Despite being given Zofran and a Scopolomine patch.  I had to have my husband pull over as soon as we got out of the parking lot so I could throw up.  Now I'm dealing with bladder spasms and referred pain to my shoulder.  (common in pelvic/abdominal surgeries,)  I was in recovery for 3 hours and probably should've stayed longer. 

I return to my ENT  on the 15th.  I'm hoping against hope that after having this hysterectomy, it'll settle my dizziness.  Probably not, but a girl can hope.  Ok, so I'm doped up on painkillers and should stop and go back to sleep...

A kind of resolution...

"What is success? To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived; that is to have succeeded."

                                              ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

2010 F**k-It List-that's right, not a Bucket List

This was inspired by an article on Huffington Post.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/darryle-pollack/beyond-the-bucket-list_b_407801.html

The idea is to let go of some the things you've been holding on to from the past, goals you haven't met yet but you keep beating yourself up about it, forgiving yourself for not being perfect.  So before I come up with some kind of silly resolution list or "Bucket List," I figure it's time for me to LET IT GO!

1. I will never be organized.  Neat will never be my natural state.  
2. I will always be in debt.  Up to my eyeballs.  It makes me crazy.
   
3. I will never be a natural athlete.  I'm lucky to walk in a straight line most days.
4. Friends will disappoint you and you will disappoint your friends.  Same is true for family.  It's a natural part of life.  However, some transgressions I can't let go.  I know I should be a better person and "forgiveness" is divine.  But some things cut too deep.  There I said it.  Shame be upon me.
   
5. I'll never be the quintessential housewife.  This kind of goes back to the neatness thing.  I'm also just not good at running a household.  I don't like to cook either and don't plan on changing.
   
6. I made numerous mistakes in my youth.  Don't want to go into the list here as it affects others.  Many a bad judgment call has been made on my part.  I let most of those go due to the stupidity of youth.
7. I have an incredibly low tolerance for bullsh*t.  People will stand there and smile and tell me some massive pile of horse manure.  I let them.  I smile and I let them.  I will continue to do so.  It's my nature.  I don't like confrontation.  Problem with that is I become a little ticking time bomb.  One day somebody pushes too much dung on me and I fire back.  Thankfully, that's rare but it'll happen again.  Can't help it, it's my nature.
   
8. There are several classic pieces of literature I will never read.  I've tried.  They are boring.  I can't take it.  
9. I thrive off of sarcasm.  I don't think I could make it 24 hours without making some kind of smart@ss remark.  However, I wield my weapon with care.  Some people can't take it and I know that.  With them, I bite my tongue and then explode in the satirical, volcanic equivalent of Mt. St. Helens later with some other poor unsuspecting soul who is thinking, "there she goes again..." 
   
10. I've been known to be a little lazy.  Yep, L-A-Z-Y, it's not gonna change.  I prefer to think of it as "lost in thought" or "daydreaming."  There's something to be said for being in those states.  Really, I mean it.  Not enough people let their minds go to wherever it may lead them.  I do.  A lot.  If I don't, my dreams will do it for me anyway.  I swear I have the freakiest dreams.
11. Perhaps, most offensive to the reader, is that I have great difficulty in accepting religious or political fanatics.  I'm all for freedom of speech and religion but I get downright agitated when someone tries to force their viewpoints on me or my children.  I'm not talking about your average churchgoer or your average voter.  I'm talking about the ones who tell me I'm going to hell because I don't go to church.  Or the ones who condemn entire cultures just because they don't follow the same god.  As far as politics, republican or democrat, they are all fatally flawed.  Quit blaming the other side.  Work together for once.  See there...I should be more tolerant of these people.  I know that.  But will I be able to change that about myself?  No.  It kinda goes back to #7.
    

So, to heck with it.  Accept the things you cannot change or some cliche like that.  That's me...warty and all.  I apologize if I offend anyone who reads this but as for accepting myself...I'm okay with it, f**k it.  Happy 2010!

Next up...what I hope to do in 2010.  No resolutions though...won't keep them.  Guess that should be #12.

Interesting article on tinnitus

http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/12/28/tinnitus.metallica.drummer/index.html

i try to warn my friends about this. they don't seem to take it seriously. they continue to go without ear protection and laugh it off as my paranoia. which i have to admit, hurts a little. i live with tinnitus 24/7 and it's nothing to laugh at.

this article does a good job describing the physiological processes of tinnitus. hopefully, one day we'll have a cure.

sometimes songs say it better...

this one i can't get out of my head right now.  it's going round and round and in and out of my brain and i love it...

"Ray of Sunshine" - Jason Mraz

Well...
Chorus:
Sometimes the sun the shines on other peoples houses and not mine
Somedays the clouds paint the sky all gray it takes away the summer sky
and sometimes the sun shines upon you while i kindly stand by
if theres a light in everybody, send out your ray of sunshine

Verse 1:
i want to walk the same roads as everyone else
through the trees and past the gates
getting high on heavenly breezes and make some friends along the way
i wont ask much of nobody im just here to sing along
and make my mistakes look gracious
and learn some lessons from my wrongs

(chorus)

Verse 2:
Ohh if this little light of mine combined with yours today
how many watts could we 'luminate
how many villages could we save
well my umbrella is tried of the weather wearing me down
well look at me now...

you should look as good as your outlook would you mind if i took some time
to soak up your light, your beautiful light, you got a paradise inside
i get hungry for love and thirsty for life
but much too full on the pain
when i look to the sky to help me and it often looks like rain


(chorus)

your perfect in design, i hope you hang around
so the sun it can shine on me
and the clouds can all roll away
and the sky it become our possibility
theres a light in everybody
send out your ray of sunshine

Einstein Quote About Religion-sums it up for me

"To sense that behind anything that can be experienced there is a something that our mind cannot grasp and whose beauty and sublimity reaches us only indirectly and as a feeble reflection, this is religiousness.


In this sense I am religious. 

To me it suffices to wonder at these secrets and to attempt humbly to grasp with my mind a mere image of the lofty structure of all that there is."


never can come up with the right words to describe my relationship with religion and spirituality.  this one seems to sum it up quite nicely.