2010 F**k-It List-that's right, not a Bucket List

This was inspired by an article on Huffington Post.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/darryle-pollack/beyond-the-bucket-list_b_407801.html

The idea is to let go of some the things you've been holding on to from the past, goals you haven't met yet but you keep beating yourself up about it, forgiving yourself for not being perfect.  So before I come up with some kind of silly resolution list or "Bucket List," I figure it's time for me to LET IT GO!

1. I will never be organized.  Neat will never be my natural state.  
2. I will always be in debt.  Up to my eyeballs.  It makes me crazy.
   
3. I will never be a natural athlete.  I'm lucky to walk in a straight line most days.
4. Friends will disappoint you and you will disappoint your friends.  Same is true for family.  It's a natural part of life.  However, some transgressions I can't let go.  I know I should be a better person and "forgiveness" is divine.  But some things cut too deep.  There I said it.  Shame be upon me.
   
5. I'll never be the quintessential housewife.  This kind of goes back to the neatness thing.  I'm also just not good at running a household.  I don't like to cook either and don't plan on changing.
   
6. I made numerous mistakes in my youth.  Don't want to go into the list here as it affects others.  Many a bad judgment call has been made on my part.  I let most of those go due to the stupidity of youth.
7. I have an incredibly low tolerance for bullsh*t.  People will stand there and smile and tell me some massive pile of horse manure.  I let them.  I smile and I let them.  I will continue to do so.  It's my nature.  I don't like confrontation.  Problem with that is I become a little ticking time bomb.  One day somebody pushes too much dung on me and I fire back.  Thankfully, that's rare but it'll happen again.  Can't help it, it's my nature.
   
8. There are several classic pieces of literature I will never read.  I've tried.  They are boring.  I can't take it.  
9. I thrive off of sarcasm.  I don't think I could make it 24 hours without making some kind of smart@ss remark.  However, I wield my weapon with care.  Some people can't take it and I know that.  With them, I bite my tongue and then explode in the satirical, volcanic equivalent of Mt. St. Helens later with some other poor unsuspecting soul who is thinking, "there she goes again..." 
   
10. I've been known to be a little lazy.  Yep, L-A-Z-Y, it's not gonna change.  I prefer to think of it as "lost in thought" or "daydreaming."  There's something to be said for being in those states.  Really, I mean it.  Not enough people let their minds go to wherever it may lead them.  I do.  A lot.  If I don't, my dreams will do it for me anyway.  I swear I have the freakiest dreams.
11. Perhaps, most offensive to the reader, is that I have great difficulty in accepting religious or political fanatics.  I'm all for freedom of speech and religion but I get downright agitated when someone tries to force their viewpoints on me or my children.  I'm not talking about your average churchgoer or your average voter.  I'm talking about the ones who tell me I'm going to hell because I don't go to church.  Or the ones who condemn entire cultures just because they don't follow the same god.  As far as politics, republican or democrat, they are all fatally flawed.  Quit blaming the other side.  Work together for once.  See there...I should be more tolerant of these people.  I know that.  But will I be able to change that about myself?  No.  It kinda goes back to #7.
    

So, to heck with it.  Accept the things you cannot change or some cliche like that.  That's me...warty and all.  I apologize if I offend anyone who reads this but as for accepting myself...I'm okay with it, f**k it.  Happy 2010!

Next up...what I hope to do in 2010.  No resolutions though...won't keep them.  Guess that should be #12.

Interesting article on tinnitus

http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/12/28/tinnitus.metallica.drummer/index.html

i try to warn my friends about this. they don't seem to take it seriously. they continue to go without ear protection and laugh it off as my paranoia. which i have to admit, hurts a little. i live with tinnitus 24/7 and it's nothing to laugh at.

this article does a good job describing the physiological processes of tinnitus. hopefully, one day we'll have a cure.

sometimes songs say it better...

this one i can't get out of my head right now.  it's going round and round and in and out of my brain and i love it...

"Ray of Sunshine" - Jason Mraz

Well...
Chorus:
Sometimes the sun the shines on other peoples houses and not mine
Somedays the clouds paint the sky all gray it takes away the summer sky
and sometimes the sun shines upon you while i kindly stand by
if theres a light in everybody, send out your ray of sunshine

Verse 1:
i want to walk the same roads as everyone else
through the trees and past the gates
getting high on heavenly breezes and make some friends along the way
i wont ask much of nobody im just here to sing along
and make my mistakes look gracious
and learn some lessons from my wrongs

(chorus)

Verse 2:
Ohh if this little light of mine combined with yours today
how many watts could we 'luminate
how many villages could we save
well my umbrella is tried of the weather wearing me down
well look at me now...

you should look as good as your outlook would you mind if i took some time
to soak up your light, your beautiful light, you got a paradise inside
i get hungry for love and thirsty for life
but much too full on the pain
when i look to the sky to help me and it often looks like rain


(chorus)

your perfect in design, i hope you hang around
so the sun it can shine on me
and the clouds can all roll away
and the sky it become our possibility
theres a light in everybody
send out your ray of sunshine

Einstein Quote About Religion-sums it up for me

"To sense that behind anything that can be experienced there is a something that our mind cannot grasp and whose beauty and sublimity reaches us only indirectly and as a feeble reflection, this is religiousness.


In this sense I am religious. 

To me it suffices to wonder at these secrets and to attempt humbly to grasp with my mind a mere image of the lofty structure of all that there is."


never can come up with the right words to describe my relationship with religion and spirituality.  this one seems to sum it up quite nicely.  

Back in bed for the day...

Heh...the title makes me laugh.  Such a middle schooler at heart.

Alas for me, back in bed is not where I want to be.  I woke up after sleeping another 11-hours last night to pain and fullness in my good ear.  The mysterious pain.  I am definitely off-balance and walking slowly and lightly holding on to things here and there to assure myself I'm upright and okay.  I'm dizzy even when I'm lying down.  Definitely overdid it for Christmas.  Trying to remind myself, it could be worse.  I've been through some of the worst this disease has to offer.  While what I am currently experiencing is frustrating, at least it is not the hell that is a full-blown vertigo attack.  Also, I am always mindful that I could be dealing with a much worse condition.  Meniere's is debilitating but at least it isn't terminal.  It may temporarily disable me, but it won't paralyze me.

I am sad though because I am here at home alone missing out on time with my kids again.  We finally have a sunny day and they are off to try out their new scooters outside for the first time and I'm missing it.  I can't be upright that long and I'll have the kids all week this week since school is out.  I have to take it easy while I can.  I'm also going to miss out on lunch with some old friends I haven't seen in years. 

I wish I knew what this ear pain was.  I'm thinking referred pain from a possible migraine.  I have met a friend online who has the same symptoms and her ear pain is from her migraines and she has MAV.  The paranoid side of me is still worried that I am going bilateral.  The fullness today is what worries me most about that.  The fullness coinciding with an increase in dizziness realllly makes me paranoid.  However, I should not worry about things I cannot control.  Easier said than done.  My ENT won't do another hearing test until I have healed more from my surgery.  I am a little anxious to get that done because it may give me some clue what my right ear may be doing.  I need to get in touch with his office next week and set up our next appointment.  Once again, I wait and see...

To better days ahead!!!

Whew...holiday marathon over...let the dizzies begin :-(

Knew it was coming but didn't expect it to hit quite this hard.  My ENT always says the holidays are the worst on people with Meniere's.  I don't know if tired would even describe it.  We have had something going on for days now.  I just now finished my last family gathering for Christmas.  Now don't get me wrong, I am soooo grateful to spend the holidays with such wonderful people and to be surrounded by such love but it has taken it's toll.  Yesterday, after the kids got up at 7:15 full of wonder and awe that Santa came, we played and had a great time for hours.  Then I felt myself crashing and went to take a nap and slept for 2 hours.  Then I ended up with a migraine, not a bad one, but still a migraine.  I was really hoping that quitting the birth control pills would've helped that by now.  I guess it could be they need more time to get out of my system.  Slept for about 11 hours last night.  Woke up still exhausted but drug myself out for our last family get together.  It was loud, noisy, but good to see everyone.  Now, I'm home and my kids are riding their new scooters back and forth in the house (I know...I'm insane, but it's been raining and they can't go outside) and the noise and motion may send me over the edge.  I'm reaching the point where I have to decide how much do I let my disease affect them.  Do I make them quit because I'm miserable?  Doesn't seem exactly fair.  It's another one of the subtle nuances of this damned disease that people don't get.  My children shouldn't have to suffer because of it.  I already have to tell them enough to "keep it down" or "that hurts mommy's ears."  Most likely what will end up happening is I'll end up back in my bedroom away from all the noise and chatter because my ears feel like they just cannot process anymore information.  How can I go back to work if I can only get through 3 days of activity at a time before I collapse and need days to recuperate?  The bright side is at least I'm getting through 3 days.  Hopefully, my strength is slowly building back up.

I really am becoming more and more suspicious that I have Migraine Associated Vertigo.  I'm starting to think that the Shunt Revision surgery did help the Meniere's.  I'm not nearly as off-balance as I was and the spins are better.  It's the constant motion sickness, dizziness, nausea, and headaches that are really aggravating me right now.  I'm just not sure what to do about it at this point.  My first step was to quit the b.c. pills.  I guess I'll go through with the hysterectomy.  I also think I'm going to pursue some more chiropractic treatment.  My headaches start in my upper neck at the base of my skull and then sometimes move to above one of my eyes and most of the time it continues on to include pain all through my neck and upper back.  I can feel it getting worse now.  When I've seen the chiropractor before for this, it does help.  The headaches/neck ache/muscle pain disappears with one or two treatments.  Problem is they keep returning.  I can't afford to keep going back as much as I need to.  I need to find the trigger for all this, get back on my feet (literally) and get back to life. 

Shunt update

I haven't updated in a while about my surgery and in a way that's a good thing because it means I've been able to get out and do more.  I've actually been having some good days now and then whereas before I was mostly bedridden or holding on to things to get around.  I've been pretty dizzy the past couple days but I think it's from overdoing it...again.  But how can you resist a good romp in the snow with your kids?  especially when it's their first real snow!!  Today I finished some shopping and had lunch with my kids and did a little house cleaning.  Now I have that heavy headed feeling and my eyes are tired. 

I went back to the doctor on December 15th and he is still not releasing me to go back to work.  It looks like it'll be February now before I get the green light.  As much as I hate to admit it, he was right all along.  I needed to stay home and give myself time to heal and time to let this latest spell settle some.  My bank account is going to suffer majorly though.  I HAVE to get back to work as soon as possible. 

Oddly enough, it seems as if my constant struggle over the last year and a half to find a birth control pill that works for me may have contributed to my current state.  Most of the pills have caused migraines.  The one that didn't cause headaches caused severe cramps that were on the same level of intensity as migraines.  One day at work they hit so bad, I got nauseous and had to leave.  I was in tears driving home.  So yesterday I met with my Gynecologist and it looks as if I'll be getting a hysterectomy and hopefully ending this roller coaster ride of hormones as well as ending the other issues that come with it.  I'm not excited about yet another surgery but who knows, may be that this what will help me all the way around. 

I'm particulary curious to see if it works because I think I've developed a condition called Migraine Associated Vertigo which is very similar to Meniere's.  MAV also includes constant dizziness, imbalance and extreme sensitvity to motion sickness.  All of which I have.  This condition usually has a trigger or triggers just like some people with regular migraines.  I think my trigger may be birth control pills.  If I don't take them anymore, maybe I'll get a little relief??  Who knows.  This darned disease is such a mystery that I have no idea anymore and in reality, I'm grasping at straws. 

But as far as the hysterectomy goes, this is the perfect time for me to do it.  I'm already off work.  I'm not having more children and I can't handle the cramping anymore.  So even if it doesn't help the Meniere's, I'll have one other monkey off my back.  I'm currently off all birth control so that may give me some idea between now and surgery if they're affecting me.  Surgery may be as early as January 5th. 

The next few days are going to be hectic with lots of Christmas activities.  By saturday night, I'll be worthless.  Then for the week after that, I have the kids by myself.  That ought to be a good indication of how ready I am to go back.  I've had them for the past 3 days because of the snow and that has affected me too.  Can't nap a lot with a 4-year old and 6-year old around.  They are great kids though and do let me rest some.  They've got a lot more patience than I do. 

Happy Holidays to all!

It snowed! Real snow!! Wow!

It started on Friday and went on through the night. It was so beautiful and the kids loved it. This is their first real experience with snow. Last year, we got an inch one time and it melted by lunch. That blew their minds then. This time, we got 10 inches and it's been around for 3 days and will be here for a couple more. There's not much that's more entertaining than watching children see and play in snow for the first time. We've done all the traditional stuff-built snowmen, had snowball fights, lots of sledding. It's been great and made me reminisce about all my days in Boone. I miss snow. I wish it would do this all the time. It has lifted my spirits and put me more in the Christmas frame of mind.

Watching the wheels...

People say I'm crazy doing what I'm doing,
Well they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin,
When I say that I'm o.k. they look at me kind of strange,
Surely your not happy now you no longer play the game,

People say I'm lazy dreaming my life away,
Well they give me all kinds of advice designed to enlighten me,
When I tell that I'm doing Fine watching shadows on the wall,
Don't you miss the big time boy you're no longer on the ball?

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round,
I really love to watch them roll,
No longer riding on the merry-go-round,
I just had to let it go,

People asking questions lost in confusion,
Well I tell them there's no problem,
Only solutions,
Well they shake their heads and they look at me as if I've lost my mind,
I tell them there's no hurry...
I'm just sitting here doing time,

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round,
I really love to watch them roll,
No longer riding on the merry-go-round,
I just had to let it go.
~~~John Lennon

RIP John Lennon

Endolymphatic Shunt Revision Update

Title sounds so important, doesn't it? Today marks 3 weeks since surgery. Wish I had good news to report but unfortunately, I don't. The past 5 days have been really bad. Only good thing is I haven't had a severe vertigo attack...yet. I am so dizzy that I can barely walk most of the time. I get so sick when I have to get in the car. Even just lying in bed, I feel dizzy.

I went back to my doctor yesterday. He put me out of work until after Christmas. He was adamant that I didn't need the stress of trying to teach a bunch of active, noisy 7th graders nor did I need the stress that comes along with other parts of my job. He pretty much insisted I had to stay home and give this some time to settle down. I'm depressed right now but know in my heart he's right.

While I was there, he pulled the tube out of my ear, ouch, because it was clogged and he couldn't get it as clean as it needed it to be. It's been in so long that I have a good-sized hole in my eardrum that will likely stay open for some time to come. Good news is I can use my Meniett again. I'm really hoping that it will make a difference. I've been without it now for 3 weeks. It will probably take a few weeks for it to start working again.

I go back on the 15th for another follow-up. Not sure what good that'll do but he said he wanted to monitor me closely. Probably check on the hole and see how my hearing is. Right now, in my affected ear, it's worse than normal which is to be expected after this surgery. I'm curious as to the condition of the hearing in my "good" ear. I don't think it's affected but I would feel better if I had it tested.

Now to find new and interesting ways to pass the time while stuck at home alone.