The Joys of Teaching Middle School

Copied from my Facebook "blog"
So the insanity that has prevailed over my students lately prompted this note. Here are some of the things they don't prepare you for when you're going into teaching. Feel free to add your own, fellow teaching peeps. I tagged all of you for various reasons. You teach, used to teach, have a teenager, are a teenager, etc. I think we should compile all of our stories somehow. At least, create a Facebook club where we can collect them all.

Here's my updated list...Enjoy!

1. I had a 6th grader who thought she was pregnant. The father? She didn't know. One of three men. Turned out, she wasn't pregnant.
2. I once had a student who after he wiped himself would throw the soiled toilet paper at other kids.
3. The kid in "#2" (haha pun intended) had a brother who I also taught who took a dump in the middle of the bathroom floor as well as in the urinal. When the father was brought in to discuss the issue, he said it was our fault because we didn't make school fun enough for his son.
4. I once had to call my principal over for a meeting with one of my kids. His offense? He wouldn't quit playing with his man boobs in class. He would stick pencils under them, slap them and watch them jiggle, and use them as "machine guns" and shoot things. Those are mental images I can't shake.
5. One day years ago, a 7th grade boy announced to me that he was constipated and would need to go back to the bathroom. He left and came back and announced to me that everything was now fine.
6. Last year, a girl threw up all over another student while sitting in my class. She didn't even try to avoid it. The girl who got thrown up on didn't seem to care. She was fully prepared to go through her day with puke on her. We had to make her change clothes.
7. I've seen countless buttcracks and thongs. For God's sakes, parents, don't let your 11-12 year old daughter wear thongs (especially when it's the day we're having Tornado Drill Practice).
8. I've also had to tell a male student to quit pleasuring himself while in my class.
9. I get the joy of teaching 7th graders about human reproduction. Years ago, I was asked by a student, "can you get pregnant by doing it in the butt?"
10. I now spend more time trying to keep girls from making out with each other than boys and girls. A few years ago, we had a girl who was a lesbian and she created a "hit" list. Her "hit" list was a list of girls who she was going to "turn" gay. She got action all the time.
11. The same kid in #4, aka Moobs, also had an older brother that I had taught. His brother had OCD and had a hand-washing ritual he had to go through before lunch. It always involved having to ask me if he could wash his hands. I would say yes and you don't have to ask me anymore just do it. Yet the next day, he would ask again. Day after day after day. Later on when we would be back in class, he would have his finger in his nose up to his knuckle just digging away!
12. Moobs wasn't allowed to read anything that had any profanity in it at all. At this point, let me remind you that he was a 7th grader at the time and profanity was everywhere. When he heard a curse word, his mom had trained him to cover his ears and say "bad word, bad word." So the day we confronted him about playing with himself, he replied (calmly and seriously with his head hung low) when we asked if he knew what we were upset about, "I was playing with my titties." There were about 5 adults sitting at the table when he said that and not one of us lost it...until later. I should also add for visual effect that when he sat down at the table with us, he propped his moobs on the table first! Plop, Plop! We're talking D-cup, baby!
13. At Open House my third year of teaching, the first student I met was under house arrest. He had one of those bands around his ankle. He had stolen a car and tried to outrun the police. That was a sign of things to come that year.
14. I once wasted precious minutes of my life arguing with a girl who insisted that the Earth was not a planet. She couldn't tell me what it was, but she just knew it wasn't a planet. Now let me explain a little about her family. She had two brothers with the same name. I don't mean two similar names and I don't mean stepbrothers or half-brothers. I mean "this is my brother Darryl, and this is my other brother, Darryl." (Anybody out there get that reference-you gotta be old like me to get it.)
15. Apparently the lastest trend for the middle school girl is to take her camera phone and shove it up as far as she can between her legs and take a picture. Then she sends it to her true love to prove her undying affections. (FYI-they always and let me emphasize always break up within days.) The pictures are so graphic, I could send them to a gynecologist and they could do a full pelvic.
16. A couple of weeks ago, one my girls got mad at one of my boys during lunch. Apparently, he kept calling her some offensive names. She warned him not to do it again. He didn't listen. He got an entire carton of milk poured over his head. He was soaked in chocolate milk. Priceless!
17. As of last week, we are now rationing toilet paper to the 7th grade boys. Why should such drastic measures be taken? Because some idiot decided to wipe his poop all over the bathroom. This after the usual toilet paper wads everywhere. Now my team teacher stands in the doorway of the boys bathroom with a roll of toilet paper in her hand saying "one square or two." All I keep thinking of is Seinfeld and "Can you spare a square?" To date, the poop artist has not been found.
18. One of the funniest moments and best lines ever (related to the toilet paper rationing.) The teacher next door poked her head in my classroom today and jokingly asked if anyone needed any. I showed her my unopened toilet paper roll sitting on my desk. She was amazed and says to the class, "Do you not ever poop? Do you not need toilet paper?" One of my students without missing a beat and in all seriousness says "No, we're just not wipers!" I about fell out of my chair laughing. Of course, he then while all red in the face, tried to explain that he meant our class doesn't wipe poop all over the walls. Apparently my students have better toileting manners than most. However...
19. What is up with 7th grade boys and the constant touching? I don't mean they are touching themselves or even other girls. They are constantly touching other boys. Once while showing a movie in our theater, we had to break up a group of boys who were spooning. They are not gay and I wouldn't care if they were. They play with each other's hair. They walk down the halls with their arms around each other. Once, while the boys were lined up to go in the bathroom, I warned them not to be in there touching each other or trying to peek at one another (a constant problem for my class.) One of my boys gets all riled up and felt the need to defend himself and says "Hey, I only touch boys sometimes!" What do you say to that?